Church of Chicanio

Difficult times..........

2009-02-02T11:40:00.007Z

The world is in crisis. People are killing and committing atrocities against one another.

Some fly by night religions would have you believe that blowing yourself in the name of God means that you get a golden carriage clock and a cheque book and pen in heaven for your troubles. Tish and indeed tosh. Do you really think that the one and only true God would actively encourage the whole scale murder of a certain group of people? Bollocks! The Big Yin even said to me the other day,

Here Chicanio!"

And i'm like

"Aye?"

He goes

"What's that whole scale murdering of certain groups of people all about?"

I'm thinking to my self, 'You're God, you know everything' but i quickly realise this is a test, so ah goes

"Aye it's pure dodgy, no?"

He's getting a wee bit uppity

"Damn tootin it is!! Why are people killing in the name of me, Reverand?"

And it pure hits me like a comedy piano in a Warner Brothers cartoon, you know, the Wile E Coyote one when he's pure chasing that wee ostrich about the place.

"Because they think they're becoming heroes and getting loads of gifts and burds when they snuff it!"

God, not in a dissimilar way to the way that Biff Tanner would knuckle George McFlys head, grabs me and sits me down

"And what are you gonna do about it?"

With a stroke of the chin i proclaim

"Tell the world the beauty of the Word of God. Show the people that killing is wrong and that loving your fellow man is the right way to live. Embrace and understand the beliefs and faiths of different cultures, eh, something like that?!"

God just sighed and let out a wee wry smile

"No ma man, you're gonnae undercut the opposition!!"

"Eh?"

"All you need to do to get the punters in is to offer them gold and beautiful girls and cake and stuff if they join you, the one and only true religion"

I'm a wee bit dubious at this point

"You sure Big Man?, we've tried that before and all i got was a comment off of someone trying to sell me knob pills or something!"

God shakes his head

"Rome wasn't built in a day, my young apprentice"

I'm pure in awe

"Ooooo, but didn't you create stuff like light and darkness in a less than a day?"

God goes

"Aye, ah know, but YOU have to spread my word. People would go daft if they saw me out and about. Sell me!!!!"

Then he's for the off

So there you have it folks, actual proof that my religion is better than all the rest. I have been authorised by God to tell you that if you join us now, expiry date of this sale- 6th June 2009- that he promises you, if you lead a good life without the intentional killing of anyone, the personalised heaven of your choice. How's about that??? He will give you a whole afternoon with one of his advisors in heaven for you to structure your very own heaven experience! Be it virgins, gold, eternal happiness, we have what you're looking for.

Sign up today!!!!!

Cleanse yourself!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-25T00:48:00.000Z

We live as a community. As a town we share our ups and our downs, and as such we celebrate or indeed commiserate as one. This is truly special and should be cherished. But what if one of our flock were to tarnish and indeed infect this beautiful spirit of togetherness with heinous crimes such as thieving and arse buggery, what do we do?. There are written laws as to how these perpetrators of said crimes should be dealt with. Who makes these laws?? Are they from people with upstanding positions within there own community? No, they are womanising, drug taking infidels that if i were to mention God to them, then they would probably go "What???". The only way that community spirit and order can be attained and retained is through the Lord God Jesus Henry Christ. People sin and commit crimes because they are scared. They feel they have no future so therefore they musy commit crimes to 'fund' their lifestyle of cocaine and heroine and hookers and more drugs. God forgives. People don't realise that God as well as judging on actions but also judges on a mans intentions. It's not too late to get in with the 'Freedom Programme' where anyone in the community can receive free advice and practical help for the low low price of £9.99 per month. I have seen the positives from this programme and i am sure that any situation can be catered for!!.

The Prodigal Son!!!

2006-10-23T23:37:00.000Z

It has been a long time, my disciples. Nearly a year since i shared my wisom and teachings from the Big Cheese. It has been a long, trying and indeed turbulent year of soul searching and wandering the earth. In this year i have seen many sights, met many people, hoping to find an answer to my crisis in faith. Yes, it is true, i doubted not only myself but his Royal Holiness, God. It was a year of many downs and ups where i would sink to depravity of fast women and loose cars and gambling and drugs and alchohol abuse and dubious relations with girls of dubious age and stealing and pimping and gun running and dwarf bashing, but i feel mentioning any of the lows would be counter productive and i have indeed learned, oh how i've learned, to love not only myself and others but also God again!!!! Although my sentence structure and punctuation still leaves a lot to be desired.

To this end i have pledged to you, my followers, my unreserved online support in ALL matters to do with this wonderful church and any matters you may have to discuss with God.

Christmas

2005-12-22T19:48:00.001Z

Is it the season to be jolly? Hell no. It is the season to remember who and indeed why we have this 'festive' period of commercial and emotional exploitation over the majority of the idiotic and band-wagon jumping public by ruthless and uncaring companies.

That reason, my friends, is Jesus Henry Christ.

For he was born on Christmas day fathered by three virgin wise men who each gave gifts to Mary so they could use her womb for an immaculate conception. This man to be born, as we all know, was the original good guy and son of the Big Man upstairs. He lived and died so we could all have a good time and through him we owe a big wassup.

Throughout time, round this time, people have given one another gifts to commemorate the holy knocking up of Mary. The most famous givererer of pressies is of course St Nicholas Claus from the North Pole who in the 15th century opened up an orphanage to under privileged and parentless dwarfs. He taught these wee people, or elves, the importance of working hard and family by making them build toys for children all around the world as a metaphor for the giving and receiving of gifts by the wise men to Joseph whose silence was bought.

Now, however, companies have manipulated this time of giving into a time of greed. From belevolence into manipulance. Children need to have the latest greatest toy because of peer pressure. You're a bad parent or boyfriend/girlfriend if the present isn't the most expensive one. Basically love is now being bought whereas it should be earned.

So this Chrimbo, remember, gifts were originally given as tribute and celebration not as a quick and easy way to show love.

Christmas means celebration not commercialisation.

2005-08-10T07:24:00.000Z

Prayer for Today

Blessed is the man thoust give
Blessed is the man whoist sharest withest thy fellowest man
Not blessed is the man thoust not sharest and is thou greedy so and so
Thee will rot in hell. With thy eyes bursting. And thou gets poked by midgets with blunt spoons for eternity.

Revelations 23:12

2005-08-08T11:47:00.000Z

Good morning my congregation!!!!

My name is Reverend Chicanio. This is my church and you are my flock. Through my sermons and teachings, you shall lead a fuller, happier and frankly better life compared to those other fly by night religions. I also offer the possibility of being fast tracked into heaven itself where you can meet GOD himself!. (shown here)

2005-08-08T10:25:00.000Z

Lesson for Today.

Morals.

What are morals? Is it knowing right from wrong or good from bad??. Well of course it's easy to distinguish certain things, eg stealing is wrong, sharing/charity is right or adultery by whores of a girlfriend is very bad, the righteous kicking of aforementioned birds new 'boyfriend' is good. This is basic stuff you get taught in nursery. People in this day and age find it increasingly difficult to distinguish right from wrong and good from bad. Peer pressure, media influence and 'pop music' all have more prominent roles in shaping our young and the more feeble minded people whereas before our values were instilled by our parents, our overly 'friendly' priests and our viciously sadistic teachers. This is wrong. Don't get me wrong, i'm hip to the beat as much as any young dude would be but to let virgin brains be tarnished by ruthless money merchants is, at least till they're older, at best irresponsible and at worst absolutely reprehensible. God and me firmly believe that people have to be shown the way. If you're old or stupid then you are probably too far gone but with enough faith and manipulation you too can lead a better life. To this end, i have compiled a small list of do's and don'ts to help you. If your a parent, teach your child these steps.

If it tastes bad. Eat it anyway cos it's probably good for you.
Be nice to others but not too nice or they might think you're gay.
Don't be gay.
Don't kill other people. Even if they're gay.
Be tolerent of other peoples cultures and beliefs, even if they do sound/look ridiculous.
wrap up warm on cold days.
Go to church at least twice a year.
Go to the dentist at least once a week.
Don't blame the dog/other people when you fart. It's neither big nor clever.

If your situation/conscience isn't covered by this guide then drop me a line and i'll ask the big guy what's what.